The hot topic about relationships these days is “sleep divorce,” which is essentially making the decision to not share the same bed as your partner. It was in the news recently after a British sleep expert, Neil Stanley, declared, “We sleep better when we sleep alone.” For some, the idea makes sense. For others, it is unimaginable.
Stanley argues that a sleep divorce (the only kind of divorce that doesn’t require a lawyer) may actually save your marriage. Apparently, if you have separate bedrooms, you and your partner may be nicer to each other in the morning because you both are well rested. I get where Stanley is coming from. Numerous times in my nearly flawless partnership, I have woken up saying, “We’re getting a divorce!” Yes, my fiancé is a snorer.
Although I didn’t know it, I was already in the throes of a sleep divorce. When his snoring got so bad, I would go to my daughter’s room and sleep on her double bed while my snoring fiancé remained in the California king with the silky sheets. Ass. But even if I wanted a full-on sleep divorce — instead of the occasional sleep separation — there’s nowhere for me to go. All the bedrooms (and beds) are taken by his two children, our live-in nanny, our baby and my daughter.
My problem with sleep divorce is that I actually like the idea of sleeping with my fiancé every night. I like the cuddles, the spontaneous sex, knowing he’s beside me. (I think this is called “intimacy.”) Stanley says he and his wife slept in separate rooms and were none the worse for it. (It must be noted that they are now divorced, but he proclaims it had nothing to do with not sharing the same bed. Um, hum. Moving on…)
More couples do appear to be sleeping in separate bedrooms, some going so far as when building or renovating a home, asking specifically for separate master bedrooms. I had one friend who asked for different floors from her husband when they built their house! (They, too, ended in divorce. Just sayin’.)
Finally, I couldn’t take the snoring anymore. I had been complaining about it to a mother at one of my daughter’s after-school programs, and she said passionately, “You have to send him to a sleep clinic.” Off I sent my fiancé to get a referral to the Toronto Sleep Institute, where he filled out a sleep assessment questionnaire, had an interview with a physician and spent the night hooked up to wires that monitored his EEG brainwaves, oxygen levels, snoring and respiratory effort, EKG and periodic limb movements.
I went with him to get the results. One of the doctors looked at his chart and said, “You fell asleep in two and a half minutes and you snored loudly.” Of course, I turned to my fiancé and said, “Now I have professional medical backup that shows you snore!”
“The majority of patients who come in usually are pushed in that direction because of a spouse,” says James MacFarlane, director of education for the MedSleep network of clinics, including the Toronto Sleep Institute.
He, too, isn’t sold on sleep divorce. “I think snoring may be an excuse to not share a bedroom,” he says lightheartedly.
My guy was given two suggestions: seeing an orthodontist to get a mouthguard that forces the jaw forward and somehow stops the snoring (it may not be pretty — think back to orthodontics when you were in your teens — but it did save my friend’s marriage) or Provent therapy, which are nose patches. (The nose patches require a prescription and are $90 a month. A mouthguard costs approximately $1,500 to $3,000) Surgery, says McFarlane, does not work. So if any doctor suggests you get surgery for snoring, get a second opinion.
“It’s so uncomfortable,” my fiancé moaned after the first night of wearing the nose strip. “But it worked!” I cried gleefully.
“And don’t talk to me about being uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is not getting a good night’s sleep in years, thanks to you!”
It does become a marital issue,” agrees MacFarlane. Snorers can’t help it, but that doesn’t really matter if it’s affecting their spouse’s sleep.
Women snore too, but generally during the menopausal stage, he says. “I think women, generally, tend to be lighter sleepers and are more easily disturbed in their sleep.”
I have to ask the question. Does Dr. MacFarlane snore? “Everyone snores occasionally. But I don’t snore to the degree that the throngs of women in my life are disturbed by it,” he jokes.
As for me, the prescription nose strips seem to work and are cheaper than adding an extension to the house. What can I say? I may be a cheeseball, but I like sleeping with my man, now a non-snorer.