Sangita Patel is Streets of Toronto’s advice columnist and was previously an entertainment reporter with ET Canada. She lives in Toronto with her husband and two daughters.
Dear Sangita: I am a single mom, divorced and was super labelled for that back in India. I moved to Canada and found a guy, and he gave me all the hope that this could work out. After a while, I really thought I needed to give him a chance. Now his mom is not accepting me because I am divorced. It’s become a big trauma in my life — the word “divorce” is haunting me. I loved him but all of a sudden he is too gutless to talk to his mom and thinks it will not work out. What do I do?
—Haunted by divorce
Dear Haunted: Listen, Mom: it’s 2024. Women have the right to get divorced.
First of all, this guy needs to step up — he needs to fight for you and make this work. And if he doesn’t, do you really want to be in this relationship? I know you’re in love with him, but if he doesn’t stand up for you, there’s something troubling there. If he knows you’re right for him, he should be doing everything he can to help you, especially when it has to do with his own mother. And if he doesn’t, frankly, he’s not deserving of you! If you do want to make it work, give him a chance to explain to his mom. If she really wants to understand you, she should be sitting down with you and asking you about the divorce, instead of passing judgment.
As for the word “divorce” haunting you — you need to take ownership of it. I know in India, and a lot of other cultures, divorce is seen as a taboo. But you’ve moved to Canada. You’re here to live a good life, so you need to let go of that term and not label yourself. It’s overshadowing you and who you are as a person. When you’re meeting new people, they’re not going to immediately know you’re divorced. It doesn’t have to define you!
Dear Sangita: We own a row home in Toronto and have lovely neighbours with a small dog. We’ve been facing a challenge: the dog barks continuously throughout the day and often in the early hours of the morning, waking us as early as 5:30 a.m., and our walls are quite thin. We’ve sort of learned to live with it, but lately it’s gotten significantly worse, and the frequent disturbances have become a serious issue for us. We’re unsure how to address this situation without straining our relationship. Any advice would be appreciated!
— Barking up the right tree
Dear Barking: I think you can approach them in a very friendly way — maybe going there with a basket of dog toys might be a nice idea. I would do it in a very calming way, rather than telling them off and presenting it as a problem. You can say, “Listen, we love your dog and we love your family, but we’re wondering if there’s anything that can help because the barking is waking us up at five in the morning.”
Many people see their dogs as their kids, so going for a gentler approach might help prevent them from being on the defensive right away. But just know that, even if they do acknowledge that their dog is being too loud, addressing the barking may be difficult. I assume their dog isn’t trained, and they may not know what to do to stop it.
If it were me, I think I probably wouldn’t do anything — I would just put in earplugs. But you need sleep, you have thin walls, and you’re living there, and you deserve to be comfortable too.
Have a question about love, relationships or life for Sangita? Send it to advice@postcity.com or submit it here.
More from Sangita:
Dear Sangita: I snooped through my partner’s phone and I found something concerning. The question is: Do I go back into his phone to see if he’s still talking to people? Or do I admit to my boyfriend that I snooped and ask him straight out if he’s still using it?
Dear Sangita: My friend is obsessed with her dog, and it’s getting to be too much. She invites us all to her dog’s birthday parties, and she often will turn down invites from us because she “needs” to stay with her dog. I’ve spent a lot of money on gifts for this dog and I’m tired of it. Am I being unfair?
Dear Sangita: My New Year’s resolution is to break up with my awful boyfriend and start dating his best friend! His best friend is just a much better fit for me. Neither of us have acted on it, but I want to. How do I do this without breaking up their friendship?
