Dear Sangita: My husband found out I was having an affair… but he refuses to talk about it

Dear Sangita: My husband discovered I was having an affair, but since it happened he hasn’t mentioned it at all and is weirdly pretending like everything is the same. Every time I try to bring it up, even to apologize, he literally pretends he can’t hear me and walks away! We have to talk about it, and I know he’s probably hurt. How do I get him to open up?  — An affair not to remember? 

Dear Affair Not To Remember: Look inwards: what do you really want out of this conversation? It is his choice when and how to have this conversation, if at all — it’s the one bit of power he can claim, the one thing he can control. Unfortunately, it’s likely he’ll blow up one day if he doesn’t address it. I think you’re asking to talk about it for a reason: you want to get out of this relationship, and you want him to get mad, so that he makes the choice to break up with you. If you realized your mistake and wanted to repair the relationship, you would wait until he’s ready to talk about it. You could just walk away, but you don’t want that — you want to be able to blame him for something. You can tell yourself he didn’t pay attention to you, that you needed love, but an affair is an affair. It was your choice, and now it’s something you need to fix. 

Dear Sangita: My son has had a tough couple of months, including losing his job and struggling to get back on his feet. He’s been hinting — repeatedly — at moving back in with us. But I just cannot live with him again! I don’t want to become his caretaker again, cleaning up after him and cooking him meals. What do I do? — Growing pains

Dear Growing Pains: If your son really is down and out, I think you need to be there for him — in a different way than you have been in the past. Maybe it’s time to establish different scheduling rules and boundaries; maybe he’ll pay you rent while he stays with you. This could be an opportunity for him to grow. It’s tough out there right now for this generation. It sounds like he’s maybe a lazy kind of guy and one who took advantage of your support as a parent. This is your chance to evolve your relationship for the better.

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