Sangita Patel is Streets of Toronto’s advice columnist and was previously an entertainment reporter with ET Canada. She lives in Toronto with her husband and two daughters.
Dear Sangita: I’m engaged to a married man. He was supposed to have mailed in the paperwork before he proposed to me, but I found out after that some documents were missing when he did. We started looking at wedding venues and found a spot we both liked. We put the deposit down — but now I don’t want to get married. He hasn’t even taken the time to get divorced or make an effort to do something about it! I did tell him he had to be divorced before we got engaged. Was I wrong for calling off the wedding? — Duped by divorce
Dear Duped: You can’t even get married legally right now, so you made the right call! I will say, I know people who are going through a divorce, and it takes a long time — some people have been doing it for five years. It doesn’t sound like he’s just sitting there twiddling his thumbs; there might be something happening making it difficult to get the divorce finalized.
Instead of saying you’re going to call off the wedding, maybe it can be more of a conversation about how you can work together to get him through the divorce and finalize it so that the two of you can move on with your lives. Right now, I don’t think you should be booking vendors. Take your time — it’s a lot to process mentally, the fact that he’s just coming out of a divorce and also engaged to you.
You mentioned that you told him he needed to get divorced before the two of you got engaged — the fact that he wasn’t up front about that with you, I wonder if he’s afraid to talk about it with you. I completely understand if you feel like you don’t want to deal with it, but that’s the thing about marriage; you’re taking on the good and bad of your new partner. By choosing to be with this man, you’re choosing to take on everything that he has in his life, too.
Regardless, he does need to get these divorce papers finalized for the two of you to start this life together. Hopefully an honest conversation between both of you will help that.
Dear Sangita: I have a question about dealing with stubborn senior parents.My mom is 75 and a full-time caregiver to her 85-year-old common-law partner who is my stepfather. He has three useless kids who won’t help. The only time we see them is at Christmas when they come with their hands out. Their dad always gives them money. His daughter then whispers to my mom what a jerk she thinks her father is. Recently my mom has had some health issues. She needs cataract surgery and someone to take care of her while she recovers, plus someone to take care of my stepdad.
My question has to do with how to help my mom. I have written down the name of every nursing home and home care option in our area and given it to my mom, but my stepdad refuses to let any home care come in to help. My mom wants to stay in a nursing home for a month to recover, but we can’t afford this. I’m a disabled adult on government assistance. I can’t afford to pay for a nursing home, but I have offered to come take care of both of them for free. My stepdad won’t allow it, and my mom stubbornly says, “I can’t let you do that.”
I’m an only child and trying my best to help. I’m so stressed out, worried sick and at the end of my rope with this. I don’t know what to do. Or how else to help. Am I going about this situation wrong? I want the absolute best for my Mom but I feel like I am dealing with two very stubborn people. — Stubborn seniors
Dear Stubborn: The fact that your mom is saying she wants to go away to her own nursing home suggests to me that she knows she needs help and can’t be caring for your stepdad at the same time. She may just not be ready to admit that to you yet — that’s something I have experience with as my mom has taken on the role of full-time nurse for my dad and is still hesitant to ask for help. But you’ve done everything you can, providing resources and so kindly offering up your own help. Take some of that stress and pressure off of yourself and let your mom come to you. At the end of the day, when and if your mom needs help, she will ask. All you can do is let her know that you are there for her if she needs it.
What you can do now is get your stepsiblings involved. Lay out the situation for them, and see if you can work anything out — it’s completely fair for you to ask them if they can go visit your mom and their dad. I know you say they haven’t done this in the past, but now that both your parents are sick, now is the time to say, we need to work as a team to help them out. If those siblings can’t be there physically, that’s OK — every sibling has a different role in these situations. One could be taking parents to appointments, one could be helping more financially. But everyone needs to play a part; this can’t all be on you.
I understand your stepdad’s stubbornness about getting help. But it’s worth having a conversation with him to see if he’d be willing to at least try home care — it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. He may not know what that experience will actually be like until he tries it.
The best way to approach these conversations is with openness — it’s about figuring it out together, both with the siblings and with your mom and stepdad.
If home care is what you and your family choose, I hope you can find a government assistance program that makes the option more financially viable.
Have a question about love, relationships or life for Sangita? Send it to advice@postcity.com or submit it here.
More from Sangita:
Dear Sangita: I snooped through my partner’s phone and I found something concerning. The question is: Do I go back into his phone to see if he’s still talking to people? Or do I admit to my boyfriend that I snooped and ask him straight out if he’s still using it?
Dear Sangita: My friend is obsessed with her dog, and it’s getting to be too much. She invites us all to her dog’s birthday parties, and she often will turn down invites from us because she “needs” to stay with her dog. I’ve spent a lot of money on gifts for this dog and I’m tired of it. Am I being unfair?
Dear Sangita: My New Year’s resolution is to break up with my awful boyfriend and start dating his best friend! His best friend is just a much better fit for me. Neither of us have acted on it, but I want to. How do I do this without breaking up their friendship?
