Earlier this year, I rather shamelessly auditioned for The Bachelor Canada. Sadly, I didn’t make the top 25. I guess my having never dated Kris Humphries (thankfully) nor having a water-cooler-worthy occupation like a strip club server or pastor didn’t pass the litmus test of reality TV coolness. Ah well. Jocks don’t really do it for me anyway. Sorry, Brad Smith.
Seeing as how I endured the same rigorous audition process as the chosen few, who better to rate the new bachelorettes and their potential compatibility with the Canuck Casanova? Using my uncanny intuition and three decades worth of judging books by their covers, here are my favourite 10 bachelorettes, rated according to a highly-scientific rose-o-meter.
Amber
Age: 29
Occupation: Strip club server
What makes her unique: Her favourite book is The Little House on the Prairie series. It’s a pretty surprising choice for a chick who rides a motorcycle.
Odds: Bringing home someone who works at a strip club and rides a Hog isn’t exactly the kind of thing you’d like to share with Mom (maybe Dad), but the Laura Ingalls Wilder love makes us think Amber might be a tough cookie with a soft centre. It could be just the combo Brad wants.
Rose-o-meter rating: 
Chantelle
Age: 25
Occupation: Pastor
What makes her unique: Besides the pastor thing, Chantelle lists her favourite foods as grapes, dill pickles and Starbucks coffee. Those are definitely, er, unique choices (hopefully she doesn’t eat them at the same time).
Odds: She could officiate her own wedding to Brad, so that’s cool. But her goody-goody image (she was the valedictorian for her college graduation, she has no tats and, well, basically she’s Mother freakin’ Teresa) could hinder her. I think Brad wants a bit more spice than sugar.
Rose-o-meter rating:
Fawn
Age: 25
Occupation: Sales associate
What makes her unique: She had squirrels for pets (her name is Fawn, after all).
Odds: This all-around “typical girl” had us at hello with her down-to-earth profile (she likes late-night snacks and owns up to being moody) but she lost us at Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul for being the last book she’s ever read. I’m not sure Brad would be into a woman child.
Rose-o-meter rating:
Laura F.
Age: 23
Occupation: Medical student
What makes her unique: She wouldn’t read her best friend’s diary! Not even if it was lying open right in front of her “by accident!” Who does that?
Odds: Laura F.’s a regular Guy Smiley, thanks to an old man who told her to smile more, so I think it’s safe to say that Laura’s a pretty friendly person who doesn’t mind talking to strangers. She’ll probably make a ton of new best friends on the show and forget all about Mr. You-Know-Who. Or not.
Rose-o-meter rating:
Melissa Marie
Age: 28
Occupation: Playboy model
What makes her unique: She has two first names! Oh, and a daughter.
Odds: She takes her clothes off for a living and the last book she read was Jenny McCarthy’s Love, Lust & Faking It — she’s sticking around for a little while. But you know what they say: lust is the first thing in, and the first thing out.
Rose-o-meter rating:
Michelle V.
Age: 26
Occupation: Petroleum land administrator
What makes her unique: She doesn’t own a TV. Weird for a reality television contestant.
Odds: Michelle doesn’t have any tattoos or piercings because she thinks they “interfere with your energy” and “limit the quality of men you can date” (translation: body ink is for losers). Seeing as most of the ladies on the show sport multiple tats (as does Brad), my guess is that Michelle V.’s got some ‘splainin’ to do and will be too busy crying to the camera to make it all the way with Brad.
Rose-o-meter rating:
Rebecca
Age: 27
Occupation: Real estate agent
What makes her unique: Her nickname is Bubba.
Odds: Described as “bodacious,” “trouble-maker” and “fracking hilarious” by her friends, ‘Bubba’ appears to be someone who isn’t afraid to speak her mind (e.g. “well-endowed” is a trait she looks for in a man). I’m not so sure her “frack-ness” would mesh well with Brad (have you checked the trailers of the show? Dude seems sensitive). Besides, who knows if Brad will even, ahem, measure up?
Rose-o-meter rating:
Sophie
Age: 26
Occupation: University recruitment agent
What makes her unique: She can talk shop — she loves cars.
Odds: Sophie lists “Rolling in the Deep” as one of her favourite songs — thankfully it’s not “Someone Like You” — but you still have to wonder whether she’s dealing with some past relationship residuals. At the same time, she also likes “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough,” so we know she’s doggone persistent. It’s a toss-up.
Rose-o-meter rating:
Stephanie
Age: 32
Occupation: Model/Neuroscientist
What makes her unique: She’s a model and a neuroscientist
Odds: Besides being a hot brainiac, Stephanie also has multiple passports and can speak five languages. If she comes off as anything but a show-off, she could be… nah. She’ll be a total show-off.
Rose-o-meter rating:
Whitney
Age: 24
Occupation: Administrative assistant
What makes her unique: She has an identical twin sister named Camille.
Odds: Though being able to “throw a football farther than most men” might impress Brad, her diva nickname and her glam heels scream high-maintenance. And let’s not forget that this could totally result in a Sister, Sister type situation. Who wants to deal with that?
Rose-o-meter rating:
The Bachelor Canada premieres Oct. 3 on CityTV