I AM WRITING this to you as a changed man. On July 1, 2010, in Laguna Beach, California, I married my sweetheart, Karina Lemke, after a whirlwind courtship of 14 years.
I have never been married before. I waited 58 years to do this as I watched my friends walk down the aisle, one by one, until I was the Last Bachelor Standing.
I always thought that, if I did ever get married, I would do it on a beach, because that’s what Pam Anderson would do, and I try to live my life like her as much as possible. So when Karina and I decided to tie the knot, we knew we wanted to do it by the ocean.
Karina is not only a wedding planner in real life, but also on TV as one of the hosts of Rich Bride, Poor Bride. So when we made the quick decision to get married within 30 days, she was able to leap into action and make it happen.
I knew I’d get an elegant wedding, but how would I bring my sense of surreal humour to the occasion? That would be a challenge. But not an insurmountable one.
Luckily, Karina has been my co-conspirator for years and has no problem enabling my pranks and troublemaking. So what prank could I play on my guests this time?
Karina and I came up with not one, but two showstoppers.
The day of the wedding, I drove deep into Orange County mall territory, to a tattoo shop I’d contacted earlier. I had them shave my torso and put on a full chest fake tattoo of my bride’s face with the words “Karina Forever” emblazoned around it.
Three hours later, I was back in the car to pick up a Baby on Board sign.What no one knew is that my bride was five months pregnant, and that this is how we were going to tell everyone, including ET Canada, who were covering the event. (A first-time father at 58? Yes, I’m full of surprises.)
At the ceremony, the rabbi gave his blessings, handing me the cup of wine, which I swirled and tasted like an oenophile, getting a big laugh.
Then when he asked me to put my hand on her heart, I copped a feel instead, getting another good laugh. But nothing compared to the laughs and gasps we got when I kissed and hugged my new bride, stuck the Baby on Board sticker to the back of her Vera Wang gown, and we marched back down the aisle.
But wait, we still have the tattoo joke to play out.
At the dinner, cult comedian Emo Philips gave the toast to the couple: “Now that you are married, may your naked couplings no longer sadden the Lord.” Huge laughs.
Speech time. I roasted many of the guests and told my in-laws not to worry: “You’re not losing a daughter, you’re gaining a pensioner.”
And then I launched into a tribute to my beloved, a paean to eternal love. “In fact, to show just how eternal my love is for you, this afternoon I went and did this,” as I ripped open my shirt to show the full-body tattoo of her beautiful face.
The laughter started slowly, as shock gave way to pandemonium.
Remember, it looked real. We blew people’s minds that night with the elegance of the event, but also made them laugh. Elegance and humour: Ours was a wedding that captured the essence of our love.
