As if the impending apocalypse wasn’t enough to worry about, the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention recently released a zombie survival guide. Apparently, it’s never too early to start preparing for an onslaught of ravenous, disease-infested, lusting-after-your-brains walking dead. Here’s a list of the essentials required to survive a night of the living dead, and where to find them in Toronto.
Braaaains
Considered a delicacy in zombie culture, these will be a hot commodity in the event of a zombie infestation. It’s always a good idea to have some spare brains to distract and divert the infected, giving you a chance to make a quick getaway. Lamb brains and pork brains are available at The Healthy Butcher, and it’s all organic too, so you can chew on that while you’re (hopefully) not getting chewed on.
The Healthy Butcher, 565 Queen St. W, 416-674-2642 x 1
Armour
When a zombie sees you, it’s really just seeing a juicy hunk of meat — so protect your body. Badlands Paintball has all the gear you’ll ever need to guard yourself from even the hungriest of zombies. With helmets, knee pads, neck guards and chest armour, Badlands has you covered (so to speak). Our favourite is this JT Carnivore full coverage helmet ($53.99). You can even pick up some guns while you’re at it, because zombies hate paintball. Or something.
Badlands Paintball, 1170 Sheppard Ave W., 416-630-5583
Camouflage
The ultimate disguise is sure to get you past a horde of the undead. Zombies don’t seem to eat their own kind, so blending in could be the key to survival. Check out Malabar Limited. They’ve got everything from makeup to rags to fake blood, but you’ll have to work on the moaning part yourself. Get in some practice at the Toronto Zombie Walk. Our undead picks? This Mehron coagulated blood kit ($6.50) and this realistic Woochie EX-FX open wound kit ($17)
Malabar, 14 McCaul St., 416-598-2581
Cardio
As we were taught in Zombieland, everyone knows that the fatties will be the first to get eaten, so it’s important to stay in shape. The Toronto Running Club hosts a weekly run every Wednesday night of the year at the North Toronto Community Centre. Stay in shape, and you’ll stay alive ($45 for a one year membership).
The Toronto Running Club, North Toronto Community Centre, 200 Eglinton Ave. W., 416-497-1221
Weapons
The only way to kill a zombie is to go for its brain (how ironic), or to sever its head. The key to having an efficient weapon is to not over-do it. Things you can find around the house are the way to go. Our weapon of choice? This Yardworks fiberglass L-handle garden shovel ($26.99) available at any Canadian Tire.
Canadian Tire, see website for store locations.