I’ve been dining in Toronto restaurants for a long time, and I’ve even written about some of them for this very publication. As such, I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on what makes a Toronto restaurant popular, so I’ve decided to open my very own spot.
In the interest of giving the city even more buzz-worthy dining options, I’m going to share the idea so that other prospective restaurateurs out might learn from my studies.
My restaurant, which will be called Höl, will be merely a rough-hewn cavern in the side of a pile of dirt unearthed by a nearby condo development. In order to achieve a rustic ambiance, I’ll adorn the dirt walls with torches, and on weekends, I’ll add a stack of flaming newspapers, which will be locally sourced from the nearby TTC station.
Expanding on a trend that’s recently been embraced by other Toronto restaurants, Höl will not only eschew reservations, but it will provide less chairs than there are diners. What buzz we’ll generate when the hostess leads guests to the men’s room, where their meals will be served on the back of the urinals (think of the selfie potential!).
As anyone knows, the most important thing about opening a restaurant is the food. That’s why I’ll stick to the sort of truly unpretentious and basic fare that’s enjoying popularity in Toronto right now, and I’ll serve it in a no-nonsense way. Two of our signature dishes will be a flatiron steak, which the kitchen will refuse to serve any way other than raw ($58), and a penne primavera served without any utensils ($43). As an appetizer, Toronto foodies will die for Höl’s artisanal salad, which will be quite simply a handful of organic (read: still-dirty) vegetables in a bowl, served with a knife. ($22).
In lieu of table-side service, diners at Höl will be asked to to write their orders on a piece of scrap paper using the restaurant’s lone pencil, which will have to be wrestled from the clutches of an angry homeless person. To keep things fun, orders will then be placed in a lottery-style cage, where they’ll be plucked and prepared by the kitchen at random. You’ll never know what to expect at Höl!
Given that this establishment seems destined to be massively popular, nobody will be able to get a table. Ever. But not to worry — once things take off, I’m thinking of opening a second location in a dumpster on Dundas West (no strollers, children or sad looking middle-aged people, please).
When he’s not opening Toronto’s hottest restaurant, Ben Johnson writes about beer on Ben’s Beer Blog. You can follow him on Twitter: @Ben_T_Johnson.
