This summer, even the most indifferent of downtowners will get to feel alive like they never have before. EdgeWalk at the CN Tower was announced today, wherein participants literally walk the edge of the CN Tower 356 meters above the ground. Sure, there’ll be safety harnesses and trained guides and all of that, but the thought of hanging out atop Toronto’s signature phallus is terrifying. Below, five reasons why EdgeWalk has us reaching for the Valium.
1. It lasts an hour and a half. This isn’t some five-minute, wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am thrill ride. The whole ordeal lasts 90 minutes, 20-30 of which are spent up in the air. We could not think of an easier way to acquire the thousand-yard stare.
2. It’ll be videotaped. The experience will be filmed for the making of keepsake videos, which means that you will end up on YouTube. Which means your frailty will be immortalized. Which means your chances of becoming prime minister will be screwed.
3. One extreme attraction is enough. The CN Tower already has an extreme attraction: the Glass Floor. We once saw a guy jump on it. It was crazy.
4. Pedestrians don’t deserve it. People tend to expel weird fluids when they go on high-thrill “rides” like this. Fluids that could splatter down all over pedestrians, which is either wrong or fun, depending on one’s level of sadism.
5. It’ll give Dubai another chance to beat us. The Bhurj Khalifa is almost 300 meters taller than the CN Tower. Once EdgeWalk makes its way there, we’re going to look pretty silly for thinking of our EdgeWalk as “extreme.” (Note: We still think it’s extreme.)