Sangita Patel is Streets of Toronto’s advice columnist and was previously an entertainment reporter with ET Canada. She lives in Toronto with her husband and two daughters.Â
Dear Sangita: I asked my fiancĂ© to sign a prenup, and now he’s rethinking our entire relationship! I happen to make a lot more money than him, and I also am just more financially set than he is. But he took major offence to my ask, and he’s making it seem as if this is a bad omen for our entire relationship. Shouldn’t he respect my wishes as a woman to protect myself for the future? — Pro prenup
Dear Pro: First of all, good for you for doing this! A friend of mine is a lawyer, and she often deals with women who have been in abusive relationships and going through a divorce. And she always says, even if you have the most amazing marriage and the most amazing person, you should always have your own account with your own money on the side because you do have to protect yourself, especially as a woman.
It’s not a bad omen — if this is your wish, then he needs to accept it and understand where you’re coming from. But the truth is many people do get offended when asked to sign a prenup because it makes you think, “You think we’re going to get divorced?”
I think your fiancĂ© may be feeling small from this conversation, especially if the focus is on you making more money than him. While that may not be fair, to be able to move forward, you just need to have an honest conversation about your finances, not just around the prenup but for your relationship in general. And you can explain why you want the prenup. There are so many factors to consider. If you get pregnant and you go on maternity leave, for example, you won’t be making as much money, so it makes sense to plan ahead.Â
Dear Sangita: I was gossiping with my sister about one of my close friends at a restaurant, only to realize that our server is my friend’s roommate. The problem is I was sharing some not-so-nice things. I don’t know how much her roommate heard, but I’m really worried some of it is going to get back to her. How do I subtly figure out whether she told my friend? And if she did, how do I recover from this? — Gossip gone wrong
Dear Gossip: Unfortunately, I think it’s likely your friend’s roommate is going to go home and tell her what you said, unless they’re not close at all. And if she’s your really good friend, she might come to you and ask you up front. But if you really desperately want to know before that all happens, you could say, “Hey, I was at this restaurant and I didn’t know your roommate worked there!”Â
If your friend’s response is to bring it up, then you know she knows. But if she just says, “Yes, she’s been working there two years,” then maybe the roommate never said anything.Â
If the roommate did tell her, depending on how close you are to your friend, you could just be honest: tell her, “I was talking to my sister and I really was just venting.”
Your friend may understand, or maybe the two of you will be able to have a true conversation about what you were complaining about. That takes a lot of maturity to do, and not everyone can do that — a lot of people choose to hold a grudge and walk away instead of trying to solve things. But it’s worth a try.
Have a question about love, relationships or life for Sangita? Send it to advice@postcity.com or submit it here.
More from Sangita:
Dear Sangita: I just started dating someone new, and I found out he slept with my sister in the past. I really like him, but this is really bothering me, and I’m finding it hard to see a future with him now. Am I overreacting?
Dear Sangita: ​​My friend is obsessed with her dog, and it’s getting to be too much. She invites us all to her dog’s birthday parties, and she often will turn down invites from us because she “needs” to stay with her dog. I’ve spent a lot of money on gifts for this dog and I’m tired of it. Am I being unfair?
Dear Sangita: My wife has a “work husband” and he’s making me rage with jealousy. He always does nice things for her, buying her lunch and helping her out when she’s overloaded at work. I wish he would stop helping her; what should I do?
