Sangita Patel is Streets of Toronto’s new advice columnist and was previously an entertainment reporter with ET Canada. She lives in Toronto with her husband and two daughters.
Dear Sangita: I’ve been dropping hints for the past year for my boyfriend to propose, but he’s just not getting it. Is he missing my cues or does he actually just not want to marry me? I’m worried I’m wasting my time. How do I confront him? — Ringing for a ring
Dear Ringing: You have to ask yourself, why are you in this relationship? Are you in this relationship because you want to get married? Or are you in it because you’re in love with this guy?
You absolutely can have a conversation with your boyfriend about your future together — you really should before getting engaged! I was with my husband for six years before we got married. I invested in that relationship because I knew there was something special and that we were going to spend our lives together. When it was just the right time to get married, we both kind of weighed and decided it was the time.
If you feel like you could be wasting your time, there might be something else going on — that feeling is not a good sign of a healthy relationship. Fixating on getting married and the wedding won’t be good for your relationship in the long run. Have that conversation with your boyfriend, and it may give you both some peace of mind.
Dear Sangita: I babysat my friends’ two kids once and now they keep expecting me to help out as if I’m their own personal babysitter. We’re very close, so they basically always know when I’m busy or not. How do I say something without hurting their feelings? — Reluctant babysitter
Dear Reluctant: Because you’re friends, I think you need to be open about how you’re feeling and say, “Hey, listen, I can do it once in a while, but not all the time.” It’s a hard conversation. I can see why your friends keep asking you — it’s clear they trust you, and it’s hard to find someone you trust with your kids.
It might be helpful to set a time limit for future babysitting asks; that’s something you can set with your friends. You can ask that they’re home at a certain time so that if you have plans you’ll still be able to get to them. You can also say no. I know it’s difficult to do, but you’re allowed to say, “I just need to chill today, even if I’m just at home.” If your friend truly is a friend, she’ll respect that.
Dear Sangita: I’m in a serious relationship, and I find myself wanting to spend a lot of time with this person. The issue is that I have always been of the “don’t bring your partner to the girls’ night” mindset. How do I strike the balance between having my partner around and not becoming that person? — Attached at the hip
Dear Attached: I think that you have to ask your friends before you bring your partner with you. And be reasonable — don’t bring them to every single night out. That bond with friends is really important. I truly believe a healthy relationship involves having independence — it’s important to be able to spend a few hours away from your partner without wanting to have them there all the time. You mention that you’ve been annoyed with friends who bring their partners everywhere in the past, so don’t do the same thing to your friends!